Midwest Lantern

Turn turn turn

My last week at the old job.

The pain and self-flagellation from the embarassing thing is fading.  Odd dreams are increasing, one every night.  I feel unsafe but also that this river is flowing and I just need to ride the current for a while.

I can't believe I'm leaving.  I crave absolution from the top person at work, and I know that he just doesn't work like that.  I can't tell if he's annoyed I'm leaving, happy, or if it doesn't even register either way.

No more too-hot stuff office, no more dim hallway to the pink bathroom, no more this and that.  I hope it's no more feeling silenced.  I find I am grieving.  Grieving just simply because change is hard, but also because I am going over in my head the parts of this place that were good and the parts that were painful.  And silencing.   I ask myself if I am naturally this meek or if this place made me this way.

Going to a new place is a grand experiment to see if I can get my voice back.  To see who I will be. 

In my week off I want to do things I haven't done in years, like read poetry in a coffee shop, eat healthy planned-out meals, and make loose tea the slow way.

It feels amazing to throw out (recycle) old files at work.  I hope I like where I'm headed.  I used to believe I could do anything and that I was the hardest worker around.  If I can find a piece of that again I'll be OK.

Value of blog

Sometimes I wonder why I am blogging.  But today it was nice to vent to this blog when I preferred not to talk to someone I know.  Thank you, blogosphere.

Only human

Something horribly, stomach-churningly embarassing happened to me today, and it is my fault.  This involves someone else who I am really trying to make a positive first impression with related to my professional life.  How does one deal well with such a thing?   Huge parts of my psyche are trying to send me the message that I'm a terrible f***-up of a person for allowing this to happen, and clearly this is evidence that I do not deserve a good thing that has recently come my way because I'll just eff it up and I deserve shame shame shame.  Shame sucks.  I am trying to re-do the messages I am sending myself to replace the voices in my head.  I believe women beat ourselves up too much.  No one is perfect, shit happens, etc etc.  Most people who are kind and appreciate the absurdities of life should be able to just roll with it, right?  I hope this person who I am freaking out about will not make this a big deal. 

I was not wanting to start out this way with this person - of being in a position where I am pretty much seeking mercy and compassion instead of being a confident, professional person who has a lot to offer.

Should I assume that it is probably not as big of a deal as I suspect, and that the other person involved might just think it's a humorous mishap? 

Should I blab on about it to my friends in a self-deprecating manner, creating a funny story that is cathartically absurd?  This would be my normal coping method, but this feels too fresh for such an approach.

Should I not talk about it to anyone, and pretend to myself like it didn't happen, in the hopes that I will get the hint and refrain from mentally torturing myself?  Should I not even tell this story to my husband, who will ask me how my day went?  I am so embarassed I don't even want to say what this is.  I don't even want to anonymously tell you, my non-existant readers. 

But picture Homer Simpson slapping his hand to his head, going "DOH!!!" and there we are, on a continuous loop. 

It seems like right when I let me guard down and something good happens, life needs to remind me .... ACK see, those are the sentences I don't want to let myself answer.  Unproductive, right?  There are, like, people in hospitals in Arizona and here I am feeling embarassed like I'm in middle school or something.  Dammit. 

Anyway, there is also some really good news, which I could try to absorb if I wasn't busy trying not to hate myself for doing an incredible embarassing thing.  Maybe this will be funny someday?

 

Pub in Dublin

 

Got our wedding pictures today

How strange to see 500 pictures that I'm in, one after another.  I am so thankful I'm not having some low-self-esteem freak-out after viewing them.  I don't look like a model but I look really, really happy.  Now I'm really looking forward to making one of those shutterfly books!  Or a few! 

In other news, interview only went so-so, freaked out about it, and applied to a different job today.  Just gotta stay in the game, I guess.

All that wasted time

Today I reflect again on what an unbelieveable waste of time it is to have endometriosis.  Time wasted in pain, time wasted with brain all mushy on pain pills, time wasted in candida-related brain fog, time wasted in fatigue-land wishing I felt like going for a cheery jog around the block or felt like organizing my desk at work or completing that project ahead of schedule.  Time wasted trying not to cross over to despair.  Time trying to distinguish whether I am actually depressed or whether it's PMS.  Things I want to say out loud but don't because I don't trust my ability to communicate when I am like this.  This is not la-la Barbie-has-cramps.  This is, I worry about my ability to do my job.  I picture how much easier I could get around in this state if I had a cane to lean on.  I try not to cry at work.

Some health problems are far worse in the time-suck category, like CFIDS or, like, cancer.  I've even read books about how the wasted time of illness is actually all spiritual and shit, making me deep like Buddha.  Usually it just pisses me off. 

Update

Since last post, the coffee has taken hold and now I'm a wreck of a different sort.  My mind is zooming so fast I can't catch up.  It's amazing this feeling is legal.  I need to remember to limit caffeine for the rest of the week.

Tomorrow's interview could totally change my life, or not.  Fork in the road, or not.  The suspense is making me weird!

Resolution exhaustion

Just reading all of the new year's resolutions people are making on blogs is making me feel like I need a nap.  All of that striving!  People loooooove lists and goal-setting.  Why do I feel suspicious and cynical about all of this bettering of onesself? 

I have many hopes for this year and for myself.  But right now, I've had 3 cups of coffee and still feel like I'm half-asleep.  I feel quite unprepared for a major thing happening tomorrow.  I can't concentrate on anything. 

Hopefully tomorrow I will have a post about how I am on the brink of metamorphosis into a butterfly of 2011 fairy dust.  Maybe I'll even make a list.

Happy new year!

What was the first thing I did after preemtively signing up for the online version of Weight Watchers this afternoon?  Ate 3 cookies of course.

Come on!  I was starving, and how else are the Christmas cookies going to get out of the house?

Something awesome:  When there's supposed to be mad fog on New Years Eve night, with temperatures dropping rapidly, but your favorite people are having a party only a block away!  Hooray for safety!

Horizon

A job interview is on the horizon.  I'd better use the long weekend to rally my awesomeness.  Happy new year!